“If we had to buy Golf Balls from the Goverment”
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FAIRFIELD — Perry Polk, a former City Council member who is now
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(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package? (Customer) What’s the difference?
(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls. (Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it? (Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income? (Customer) What does that have to do with anything? (Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department. (Customer) BallAid? (Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right. Everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge. (Customer) Who said they were a right?
(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional. (Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right. (Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution. (Customer) I don’t believe this… (Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income, sir? (Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo buying balls this year. (Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income. (Customer) Why? (Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be. (Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls. (Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income….. (Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50. (Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater. (Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!! (Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%. (Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it. (Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using. (Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of cell phone I am using?
(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir (Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.